May. 21st, 2017

bluepepper: (Default)
I find it difficult to put thought to words. Some would find this an easy task. Me, not so. I procrastinate on this one. I always have. I've never enjoyed creative writing. I'm unsure of why this seemingly simple task is so daunting to me. List making. Thought to words. I keep thinking I aught to update my journal but then the thought becomes overwhelming. I never know where to start or what to put to words. It feels like I just spew words into paragraphs, this awkward writing style I have. I write a few lines and then get tired. So then I put the computer away and nothing ever seems to get posted. And what does get posted is just a teensy weensy little snippet of what has been going on in my world because I don't have the attention span to get it written down. So then... what's my issue? Attention span? Planning? Forethought? Awareness? Preparedness? Tiredness? Commitment? What is it that I actually give a damn about? What do I want to do from here on out? My brain just answered "Train". Train. I seem to be afraid of success. Because I'm afraid of failing I am apprehensive of seriously committing to training. Success doesn't come without the risk of failure. I feel like I'm flailing and want to have someone take me by the hand and do with me the steps to success. But then I think if I think that way I'm part of the problem. Blindly being led. Sheep mentality. I want to be challenged and I'm afraid at the same time.


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